Written by Rorri Geller-Mohamed, LCSW
April 13, 2019
Here are some questions to think about when you are navigating this topic:
- What relationships do you have in your life that have changed due to issues of race and racism?
- What emotions has it sparked in you?
- How are you dealing with it?
- How has it impacted your family?
- What relationships do you still hope to see a change in?
- How could improving these dynamics impact your children?
Often what we really want to happen is for the person to realize what they are doing is wrong, make amends, and act differently going forward.
Here are a few things that are needed for a person to change their behavior:
1. Understand the impact of their negative behavior:
This means they need to be able to identify how their behaviors are hurtful. Often it can be helpful to point out how these behavior conflict with who they actually are as a kind and caring person. Explaining how what they are saying or doing is conflicting with their own value system. It’s also often helpful to provide them with a non-judgemental environment to process it. They also need to understand systemic racism and the history of white supremacy in this country. You don’t have to feel like you have to be able to explain it all but be prepared to provide resources for them. They need to understand where and why they learned those behaviors and how come other white people around them aren’t pointing it out.
2. Learn what to do with their emotions:
Becoming aware of a conflict in your value system can lead to many mixed emotions. There could be guilt, confusion, insecurity, worry, and others. You don’t have to take on all of their emotional processes because that can be draining but direct them to spaces to process. This can include a local SURJ group, a therapist (one that has experience in this, Therapy Den is a place to start to look), or a local anti-racist organizing group (for example in Long Island, NY there is ERASE Racism and they have a book club for people to learn).
3. Talk about the relationship.
Remind them of the significance they play in your life. Explore what your hope is for the relationship and what you need for it to continue in a positive way. Explain what you imagine and hope for with their relationship with your children and family. Describe how meaningful it could be for your children.
4. Allow them the opportunity to continually improve.
Remember that as they are doing this work they may unintentionally make mistakes. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt or they aren’t trying to change. You have the power to help them recognize the harm, help them make amends, and grow from it.
Navigating relationships with family isn’t easy especially when issues of race and racism come up. Family dynamics can be complicated and sometimes working to change the family dynamic can greatly improve the relationship. But there is a lot of power in family relationships which give us the opportunity to make a big impact with white people in our families. Imagine what could change in the world around us if each of us as white parents worked to change even just one of these relationships. Let’s get to work.
To calling family in.
We worry about saying the wrong thing which often keeps us silent, I’ve had the opportunity to speak to some white moms about issues of race and racism. Here’s what I took away from these conversations…
In family therapy, we are often working on how to resolve conflict, strengthen family relationships, and improve communication
It can be frustrating and hard when white people just don’t get it. How often this season have you heard white people in your life say you were being too “sensitive” or take things too “seriously” for?