As a family therapist using activism as a tool has always been integral in my work.   Whether I’m working with individuals, couples, or families activism is one of the go to tools that we work on when talking about fighting against injustice.  Some of the situations where it comes up include wanting to teach and share the values of social justice with our children, protect our partner from an unjust situation, or defend some aspect of our unique family identity.  I thought it was especially a necessity to talk about now because of the children and families that need our support today.

Me and my daughter on our way to the Families Belong Together Rally at the District Attorney’s Office

Each time I open up facebook I see a more horrifying news story of how the government is abducting babies, children, and teenagers from their parents due to the Trump administration’s new policies at the US-Mexico border.  It is inhumane, traumatic, and disgusting to separate children from their parents at the border. It doesn’t take a therapist to know the extreme trauma this causes for children and their families. I’m sure many of you are going through a similar process of feeling horrified, helpless, and angry as you hear the news. So what’s the next step? How do we go from helpless and horrified into action?

Even as I write this there is discussion about an executive order being signed to hopefully end this torture. But even then what is the reunification plan?  What will be done about the trauma that has already been caused? What will be done to make sure people are treated humanely?

Here’s a good article that has some easy action steps you can take:  Here’s What You Can Do to Help Immigrant Children Being Separated From Their Parents at the Border-Donate, march, and more tips from the local ACLU.  

For many of us, we just can’t understand how anyone could think that this makes any sense but then we also are aware that racism and ignorance exists.  I’m curious as to how you handle it if someone in your family, partner’s family, or life thinks this or another injustice can be justified. Have you ever posted something and they make a comment that just makes you want to vomit? What do you do then? Do you and your partner deal with it together? Do you ignore it or deal with it as a family?  

One way of dealing with that is involving yourself in activism for the immediate crisis and in addition creating a plan to open up dialogue and educate the person. As interfaith, multicultural, and multiracial couples and families one of  the most important lessons that we can learn together and teach our children is how to be part of creating change.  Activism is a key step in that process.

To fighting against injustice,

Rorri

Lately I’ve been hearing a lot about parents who want their children’s partner to convert before they get married when they are dating someone of a different faith.  This can often cause a lot of stress and worry for everyone involved. Most of us don’t want to disappoint or let down our parent and fear that by not having our partner convert we will be doing this. Some people also wonder if they should just go through the motions just to appease their family even if it’s something that they don’t believe. No one wants to hurt the people they’re close to.

In order to have productive and effective conversations we need to understand where everyone is coming from and these questions will help you to do that.  Here’s some ways to start conversations to help you get past those difficult points:

1. What would be different if the person converted? What would actually change? This helps for you to understand the meaning behind it and what converting would actually mean to your parents.
   
2. What experiences have they had or heard of with interfaith couples? There is often fear from stories of people that had unsuccessful interfaith relationships and they worry that you will have that same experience.
3. What are their fears if your partner doesn’t convert?  What do they worry will happen? For many parents, they worry about future grandchildren and their faith.  Understanding what the fears are allows you to be able to have a more open conversation to placate some of those fears.
4. What will the extended family and community response be to your interfaith relationship? What will they say and do?

These are just a few of the questions to start with when you’re having these conversations.  This prevents you from making assumptions and instead finding out what’s really going on in their mind.  This makes it easier to come up with a way to resolve their concerns and worries. As always remember that this is a process and that change does not happen overnight.

To asking questions,

Rorri

P.S. Are you dating or engaged to someone that is from a different faith or culture than your own? If so, are you ready to strengthen your relationship, know how to navigate family challenges better, and get clarity on how to raise future kids together?  Become a Mix Match and Blend Member and get access to the toolkit and community.  

One of the things that often hurts the most is when your parents or family cause you emotional pain.  There is an expectation and desire that they should be a supportive and caring force in your life. So when this doesn’t happen it can be extremely upsetting, hurtful, and painful.  This is especially true for interfaith, multicultural, and multiracial couples when a parent or family member expresses prejudice or racism towards your partner or your child. In many cases the person often doesn’t even recognize, take responsibility for, or acknowledge the harm they are causing which can add even more hurt to the situation.  

Often when an individual or couple reaches out to me they describe what’s going on in one or more of these ways in response to a parent or family member saying or doing prejudice or racist things:

• they have tried multiple times to address it but have seen no change
• they have been ignoring it for as long as they could and just can’t deal with it any longer
• they feel emotionally exhausted from dealing with it
• they have already decided to cut ties with the person (But even in those circumstances it can still end up being extremely stressful and emotionally draining)

Basically, it causes us to feel hopeless and hurt. I’m sharing this with you because I want you to know that it doesn’t have to be that way.  

Providing a process and creating circumstances that allow families to heal and grow their relationships is a big part of the work that I do.  Prejudice is learned behavior and therefore people can unlearn it and learn new and better ways “of being” to replace it. There are many different strategies and techniques that can be used in situations like this but the big challenge is often knowing where to start to intervene.  

I have a story to share with you with you to show you examples of where to start.  (Identifying information is changed to maintain the confidentiallity of the family.)

I worked with a couple where the mom was African-American and the dad was Puerto Rican and Italian. They have a multiracial daughter that is 3 years old. An issue arose when the daughter told her mother that she had a conversation with her white paternal grandmother saying her legs were too dark. The parents were very upset and the grandmother claimed that she didn’t say that.  It was also revealed that the parents had addressed comments the grandmother made before that they found racially offensive. Of course like every family there’s a whole bunch more background information that goes into the story but overall everybody ended up feeling hurt. The mother wanted to cut ties with the grandmother, the father felt pulled between his wife and his mother, the grandmother didn’t understand what the problem was or why the couple was making it a big deal, and the granddaughter who loves spending time with her grandmother was confused by the whole situation.  

Here are 4 strategies that can be a starting place to open up opportunities for learning, conversation, understanding and change with the grandmother: 

1. Talking about her experience.  She married someone outside of her own culture and background which was even less common back then.  Getting her to talk about what that experience was like for her and what some of the pain points that she experienced from her partner’s family as well as what her partner experienced from her family.  Focusing on the emotion of her experience opens the opportunity to relate it to the emotions experienced by her son and daughter-in-law.
   
2. Using her own belief system.  She identifies as Catholic and this is something that is important to her.  Like most religions, caring for others and treating people kindly are part of what it is often preached.  By helping her to see how her actions and words are not aligned with her beliefs can help her to make those changes. 
3. Pointing out how her own words don’t align with her beliefs.  She would often make the statement “I don’t see color” when talking about issues of race.  By digging deeper into what this means for her (since everyone sees color), it’s likely she is trying to say that she is accepting of everyone no matter what skin color they have.  This is an opportunity to teach alternative language she can use and the positive impact of talking about race and skin color can have on her family. 
4. Connecting her to other people where she can learn.  It’s likely she doesn’t have a lot of exposure to people that are different than her.  Outside of her daughter-in-law’s family she doesn’t know a lot of black people or have black friends. It’s also likely that she doesn’t know a lot of white people that are actively working to dismantle white supremacy or other grandparents with multiracial grandchildren.  Helping her to meet new people, connect, and gain opportunities to learn from new experiences will help her to grow and learn.

These are just a few examples of strategies that can help if you are having a similar experience.  So if you find yourself feeling angry, frustrated, or hurt by your parents, in-laws, or another family member remember that you don’t have to feel like change is hopeless.  There are always opportunities to encourage change. That same grandparent can become one of the strongest advocates for dismantling racism and calling out prejudice because her deep love for her family has motivated her to have a new way “of being”.  I promise there is always hope.

To finding hope,

Rorri

P.S. Would you like some help with a interfaith, multicultural, or multiracial relationship or family issue or situation?  I would love to talk with you to try to help you sort it out and give you some advice. Send me an email at rorri@upowerchange.com with the word CHAT and we can schedule your free consultation call.

P.P.S. Interested in being part of a community with other interfaith, multicultural, and multiracial couples?  Join my new facebook group here. 

Recently, I’ve been working with a lot of engaged interfaith and multicultural couples that are planning their weddings. Creating a wedding that represents both their backgrounds, appeases their family, and celebrates their unity is no easy task.  From searching for officiants, to having religious and cultural symbols be present, and just sorting out details without making it the focus of your life can sometimes feel overwhelming. As we talk about the challenges that come up, I like to highlight how often the strategies and techniques that I teach to help them resolve wedding dilemmas are also great practice for marriage.  Couples with strong relationship skills have a better foundation to build a happy, harmonious and lasting marriage.

“According to a survey published in the Journal of Family Psychology, couples with premarital education reported higher levels of marital satisfaction and experienced a 30 percent decline in the likelihood of divorce over five years.” This is where you can see the importance in participating in pre-marital relationship education.  Whether it’s through a workshop, coaching, or counseling you get to carry what you learn throughout your marriage journey together. For interfaith and multicultural couples this is key especially for dealing with family and planning for kids. “

Here are some of the key topics that I teach in relationship workshops:

• How to create a vision for your life together

• How to understand your different communication styles and how to bridge the gap

• How to understand each other’s family dynamics and the role that plays in your relationship together

• How to solve challenges together

As you can see these skills can be beneficial for wedding preparation and to build a solid foundation for marriage.

Try it out

Think about something you are stuck on in your wedding planning. How come you are stuck on that? What might help you to get it resolved? What’s your partner’s opinion on it? Is their opinion different or similar to yours? What needs to happen for it to get figured out? How could the process of figuring it out together also help you in your marriage?

To building a happy wedding and marriage,

Rorri

P.S. Would you like some help with your specific issue or situation?  I would love to talk with you to try to help you sort it out and give you some advice. Send me an email at rorri@upowerchange.com with the word CHAT and we can schedule your free consultation call.

P.P.S. Are you in an interfaith or multicultural relationship and planning a wedding, preparing for kids or trying to figure out how to move forward?Join me for my webinar where I will walk you through the skills you need to know to get over the hurdles and have harmony in your relationship and family:  Sign Up Here

Today’s video is for all of the busy couples.  Which is probably almost all of us, right? One of the things that I often hear from couples is how busy they are.  I know this is the reality. We are working, we have families, there is always something to take care of plus we often try to make time to do things we enjoy. All of this is awesome and should lead to very fulfilling lives.

But what sometimes happens for us as interfaith or multicultural couples is that we are too busy to deal with or work on some of the challenges that can creep up in our relationship and family.  So here’s a trick. Watch the video to learn how to strengthen communication even when you are really busy.

Check out the video: Busy Couples and Strengthening Communication Video

To being busy and figuring it out anyway,
Rorri

P.S. Interested in getting more tips and strategies, register for my FREE upcoming workshop here: https://upowerchange.com/onelovewebinar

P.P.S. Would you like personalized advice or help with an interfaith and/or multicultural relationship or family challenge? Send an email to Rorri@upowerchange.com with the word CHAT in the subject to schedule your FREE strategy consultation with me.

So here’s the thing, I don’t actually hate hearing about my friends’ relationships ending.  Almost any break-up, is painful and takes time to heal and I am happy to support them and accompany them on that journey.  (That’s what friends are for, right?). But more often than not, I’m thinking I wonder if your heartbreak could have been prevented. I wish I could have tried to help them earlier so that it had a different ending.  It’s frustrating when I hear about what happened and I can think of so many ways that it could have worked out differently. This is especially true for interfaith and multicultural couples.

There might have been a way you could have worked this out. (Especially when it’s one of those couples that you know are good together.)  If they just would have had the right tools and strategies to get past the challenges they were facing. If before that last fight, they had found a better way to communicate about the individual stuff that was going on with them.  If their partner could have actually just listened and heard what they had been trying to tell them all of this time.

I wish they would have just asked for help.  Most of the time when I bring that up they say they tried and their partner refused to go to counseling.  But there are strategies for that too and help can come in so many forms not just counseling. I’ve also helped people to get their partner to come around to get help even if they are initially resistant (this includes my own husband).  There are just different approaches that can be used depending on what the situation is. But that is where having those relationship skills come in.

For interfaith, multicultural, and multiracial couples having these skills is even more important.  Coming from different backgrounds it is necessary to have the skills to solve problems together. This includes being able to see issues from multiple perspectives, communicate in a way that is constructive to solving problems, brainstorm solutions together, and make decisions on which solution is best for you as a couple.  If you get stuck, do research to broaden the options you have for solutions.  And if all else fails seek out help to help see each other’s perspectives better.  Whether it’s mutual friends, a neutral family member, a clergy person, a counselor, a coach, or a class make sure that you don’t have to go through heartbreak unnecessarily.  If it still doesn’t work out (which from my experience doing this work is highly unlikely) at least you know you gave it your best shot (which can also make the healing process a little easier).  

To break-up prevention,
Rorri

P.S. Want to chat about your specific issue or situation?  I would love to talk with you to try to help you sort it out and give you some advice. Send me an email with the word CHAT to rorri@upowerchange.com and we can schedule your free consultation call.     

P.P.S. Are you stuck on an issue or trying to figure out how to move forward in your interfaith or multicultural relationship? Don’t wait until it’s too late. Join me for my webinar where I will walk you through the skills you need to know to get over the hurdles and have harmony in your relationship and family:  Sign Up Here

Think about when was the last time you and your partner learned something new together.

For relationships to last over time it’s really important that you are learning and growing together.  This is especially true for interfaith and multicultural relationships and families.

Because we come from different backgrounds, we often have the opportunity to learn more about our own and each other’s backgrounds together.  We gain new perspectives and are able to approach challenges and conversation differently.

When kids are in the mix, this is often even more important.  Being able to learn about their own multiple cultures and faiths that they are part of helps them to develop their sense of identity.  Learning about other cultures and faiths also gives them the opportunity to expand their world view.

Have you had any experiences lately that allowed you and your partner or your family to learn together?  What did you learn? How might you be able to incorporate more learning experiences into your life for your family?  How might learning together more often improve your relationship or family?

I want to share my example of a recent opportunity I had with my family to learn together and share what we took away from it.  Recently we participated in a social justice community seder for Passover put together by an interfaith group. Here are 3 of our key learning moments and how they can carry over to our family life:

1. We had the experience of seeing what a seder looks like when social justice is a focus.  This helps to strengthen the values that we are teaching the kids of embracing diversity and advocating for equality and human rights.  I thought it was a great way to learn how the Passover story can still be relevant today. We learned about a local organization working to protect the DREAMERs and immigrant rights.  

1. We had the opportunity to experience a seder outside of my family. Although many rituals were similar to how my family traditionally does a seder there were a few differences.  The opportunity to discuss questions at the table, make it relevant to what is going on in the world today, and have music are a few of the things we learned.  All of these ideas are things that we can incorporate when we do a seder at home or suggest when we attend a seder at a family member’s home.

1. We learned new ways to celebrate with songs together.  They had 2 people playing the guitar throughout the evening and even had the opportunity to get up and dance to one of the songs.  This made it fun for us as well as the kids. Bringing in music like this made it very family friendly. Some of these songs, I hadn’t heard since attending camp as a child and it was really cool to be able to share that experience with my family now.  It introduced them to songs that I knew and brought back childhood memories that I was able to share with my husband.

These are just a few examples of ways that you and your partner and family can learn together.  Most of us know from experience that relationships take work because it’s finding that balance of two individuals coming together.  Sustaining this over time can sometimes be tricky and why we often hear about relationships not always working out. Being able to learn together is an awesome way to maintain a happy and healthy relationship over time.  So what’s next the opportunity that you can create where you and your partner and/or family can learn together?

To learning together,
Rorri

P.S. Do you want to know how to get rid of uncertainty and empower your interfaith, multicultural, and multiracial relationship with harmony, happiness, and strength for now and the future? Send an email to me at rorri@upowerchange.com with the word: EMPOWER.

P.P.S Interested in knowing more interfaith and multicultural couples and learning about new resources, join our new facebook community: U Power Change

I decided to switch things up a bit and do a weekly video blog aka the U Power Change channel in addition to the weekly tips, suggestions, and resources that you already get to your inbox.  So you can get ready to get some extra advice, recommendations, and ideas coming to you.

For the first video, I focus on getting unstuck when you are having a hard time moving forward.  I’ve talked about this before but I think it’s something that comes up a lot so I wanted to share with you a strategy to get you moving forward.

It stinks when you and your partner aren’t on the same page about something.  Whether it’s about parents, in-laws, your kids, money, or another topic when you keep disagreeing about the same thing it can really mess up your day (and even your week).

It can cause tension at home. It can make you mad and frustrated. So I want to help you to get past that and move forward.  Life is too short to get stuck on some issues when you can keep it moving and figure it out.

In the video I talk about using your love story as both motivation and a technique to get you moving forward.  I share some examples of how to do this and some resources.

So I hope you jump right in and watch the video and try out a new strategy.  

Here’s the video link: How To Move Forward When You Get Stuck.

Also, here is the episode notes that you can download with resources and some questions to walk you through it: Video Blog Episode Notes

Try it out and let me know how it goes 🙂

When you are in a multicultural, multiracial, or multifaith family you are often looking for those couples and families that have walked in your shoes.  Often you want to have the opportunity to ask questions and hear their stories. There is often a desire to connect with others that are like minded and experiencing something similar.  

Often the questions that come up sound like this:

• How did you do….?
  Where did you find…?
• How did your family respond to…?
• What do you do when…?
• Do you know anyone…?

I know from experience find a community that is inclusive and welcoming is also not the easiest process. Plus if you move (like my family did) you have to leave one community and find or start to build another.  So in the hopes of building more resources for families like us, here’s some ideas you can try if you are feeling stuck finding your community.

1. Search Facebook for groups with words like: multicultural, multiracial, biracial, or multifaith, intercultural, interfaith, and your geographic region. Join those groups and ask if anyone lives in your area or knows anyone.
   
2. Search Facebook organization, education, and business pages with the same words as above but call or email those organizations to see if they have any groups or ways that you can get involved.  Often they events where you can meet people.
3. Contact a local institution or organization that already exists and ask if they have any groups that are for couples or families like you.  If not, offer to chair a committee or team to start one.
4. Join a new public Facebook group that I started as a space to share resources, new communities, and connect with each other.  It’s just in the beginning stages but hopefully as people join you will be able to find other couples and families like you. I also post info about other couples and families like us, and info about new communities (which are popping up all the time) as I hear about them.  Here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/upowerchangecommunity/

Those are some ideas to get you connected.  It’s helpful to keep an open mind and be ready to make new friends and learn new ideas.  Also, remember to be patient with the process to find the right community. Sometimes you may have to try out a few different communities before you find the “right fit.”  You also may find that you like a few different communities because they fit different aspects of yourself and your needs.   

So go forth and meet some new people 🙂  

P.S. Are you interested in starting your own community but not sure how to do that or where to start?  Looking to join a community but just can’t find the right one for you? Comment on this post or send an email to Rorri@upowerchange.com with the word “COMMUNITY” and I will be sure to invite you to my upcoming online virtual inclusive community event where you can hear from panelists who have done just that, get your answers, and find your community.

Now first of all, your family is your family and no one else’s business but I think this topic comes up a lot for multiracial families, so let’s talk about it.  Sometimes it’s in the form of a stranger asking the parent if “it is their child?” or “if they are the nanny?” or even worse often triggered by racism questioning the child’s safety with the adult of color that they are with (that is of course their parent!). It’s not only parents but it affects kids and their siblings too.  Kids may be asked by other children how 2 kids that don’t look alike are siblings or have different skin color. Multiracial kids often may have to deal with the question “where are you from” really meaning what is your background as someone tries to figure out what “box” to put them in. Even though we are in 2018 and multiracial families are becoming more and more common this is still the reality.  For multiracial families that are formed by children born into them, through adoption, and both ways often have to deal with situations that come up.

So what does it feel like for us when these situations come up.  From personal experience, to be honest it usually sucks and feels uncomfortable.  I have vivid memories of being a teenager going places with my brother and wondering what people were thinking when they looked at us funny.  Being that I’m white and my brother is brown (he’s Mexican-American) combined with just having the insecurities of being a teenager. I remember feeling like I had to describe our relationship even when we were interacting with strangers (this included small everyday experiences like when shopping feeling like I should tell the cashier).  Sometimes, my feelings were valid that we did receive some funny confused looks and other times it could have just been in my head. But I’m sharing that to say that we often feel like we have to defend, represent, educate, or inform the person that is inquiring about our family, what a multiracial family is, looks like, and sometimes even look for their validation.  And that’s as adults, for kids it can feel even more confusing.

But that is wherein lies the opportunity and solutions to this challenge that we face.  

• It is not our responsibility to educate or explain our family to anyone.  We don’t need anyone to validate us for being who we are. We don’t have to share our life story with anyone we don’t want to.  It is our choice to make in any situation if it is something that we want to do. Assess the situation and see if it is worth your time.  The way you pick and choose situations to address will also be a way for you to model for your children how they respond. If you decide it’s not worth your time you can ignore the comment or the look, you could say something like “I’m really busy, I don’t have time to talk about family right now,” and then just keep on going.  Take all the emotions (usually frustration, anger, confusion but I know there are others) and share it with someone else that’s in a multiracial family. Vent to them, laugh with them about the absurdity of it all, and let them tell you how awesome you were when you just left the person hanging with their mouth open or how nasty the person was after you responded.  Whatever it is share it with them so you don’t have to deal with it alone. 
• If you choose to respond do it in a way that feels comfortable for you.  One way of doing this is having a few go to responses and helping your children to develop this as well.  Brainstorm answers and responses that each member of the family is comfortable with. Talk about it together.  Role playing these types of scenarios at home can help your children feel more comfortable with the answers. Even as adults if you practice a few different scenarios with your partner or a friend it will help you feel more prepared when those situations arise.
• Educate and Advocate.  Connect with multiracial communities.  Expose your children to multiracial communities so they know other young people like them.  This way you have someone to vent with and laugh with and feel angry with when these situations arise.  Be around other people that “get it.” Include books, tv shows, cultural events that celebrate the multicultural experiences that make up your family and help normalize these crazy experiences for us.  Advocate for change on where it can make a systemic difference to prevent these situations that keep happening. Maybe that means including more discussions and education in schools around race and multiracial families or maybe that means seeing more people of color or multiracial families in children’s books or other media.  Support and be part of organizations that advocate for issues that will change this narrative from happening.

If you are looking for a multiracial community to join or want to learn more about organizations that do advocacy work, you can join the new facebook group that I recently started here: U Power Change: Multicultural, Interfaith, and Multiracial Couples & Family   

But most of all, know that you are not alone in these situations.  Know that you are not crazy or emotional for feeling a certain way about it when it comes up.  Don’t be hard on yourself or feel like you have to take on the responsibility of changing the world by explaining and convincing every person that gives you a look or questions you that your family is “real or valid.”  Parenting and life can be hard enough save your energy for where it will truly make you happy. Put that energy into organizing and advocacy with others which is how we will truly get it to change.

To being real,
Rorri

P.S. If you are interested in learning more about how to deal with challenges that come up for multiracial, multicultural, and multifaith families, you should definitely join me for my upcoming webinar: How To Overcome The 5 Most Common Challenges In Your Multi-Identity Family.  I will be showing you how build more harmony and happiness into your family while celebrating differences and how to navigate issues around identity, culture, race, and faith in your relationship and family.