I want to first thank you for being part of the U Power Change community (you can stay updated on our resources and events here: email list) and let you know that I really appreciate your support.  I’m really excited to share with you the new and improved U Power Change that you will see revealed over the next few months.  I am committed and dedicated to refocusing and returning to why I initially started U Power Change and the impact that I hoped it would make in the world.

 

U Power Change values creating systemic change so that multicultural, multiracial, and interfaith/multifaith families, organizations, and communities can thrive while building an inclusive and loving world.  

 

In the past I’ve shared a lot about my interfaith marriage and raising multi-identity children but I haven’t shared much about my own multiracial, multicultural, and interfaith/multifaith upbringing and family life growing up.  Although it hasn’t always been easy for me to share in the past, growing up with that experience changed my life and impacted my worldview and in many ways was the catalyst for me creating U Power Change.

If you would like to hear more about my story, why U Power Change exists, and how U Power Change will be helping families and changing the world, you can join me on the U Power Change Facebook page on Thursday October 11, 2018 at 11am EST.  

 

To making a bigger impact,
Rorri

[Update: You may notice that today’s topic is a little different than previously.  I’m in the process of expanding, re-organizing, and re-vamping my programs, services, and website to better serve you, your family, and your communities.]

   

It can be hard when you are struggling with a personal or family problem and it feels like no matter what you do it’s not improving.  You may have asked a friend or professional for advice, searched the internet, or tried a self-help program. Often the missing piece to solving those kind of challenges is using a family lens.  By really understanding the problem within the context of the family, having a better understanding of the dynamics, the way each person is impacted, and how that relates to their response to the problem will help in finding the best solution.    

 

When working with clients, I often ask questions about their family of origin, their life growing up, and other family experiences.  The reason that I do this is because those stories and experiences often have an impact on their life today. By understanding those stories and recognizing patterns we are often able to uncover the root issue of challenges that they are facing and then begin to find solutions that fit those unique challenges.  

 

For example, let’s say your teenager is struggling in school and you are constantly arguing with them about how to do better.  Using a family lens allows us to look at the teenager within the context of the whole family. How long has this pattern of behavior been happening?  What has the family’s response been? What else might be going on in the family that is preventing your child from sharing more about their situation at school? You may perceive it as negative when in reality they didn’t to burden you because they knew you recently started a new job and didn’t need the extra worry. In their mind, they were helping you.  With the extra insight, we are able to create solutions to change that specific dynamic to build more open communication. With an increase in communication, you are then better able to address your child’s needs in school because you will have more details and awareness what’s going on in school.

 

This can work with your relationship with your partner as well. Let’s say you and your partner frequently argue about money. Maybe you have different ideas on spending and saving. Using a family lens, you can dig deeper to understand where both of your ideas around money came from growing up and how that may shape your relationship with money today. Revisiting the way money was talked about and used by your parents/caregivers and the meaning behind that may be exactly what you need to figure out how to resolve your money disagreements. Once you understand what the underlying issue is, you are able to find solutions that work.

 

The amazing thing about using a family lens is that it really allows you to dig deeper so that you can find lasting solutions and not just a quick band-aid approach.  You can try it on your own too. The next time youu or someone in your family is experiencing a challenge or conflict, take a look at the situation from a more broad view using a family lens.  Use that lens to dig deeper to really uncover the root of the challenge. Once you identify the root, you will see that solutions will come much easier. Go ahead, give it a try.

 

To using a family lens,

Rorri

Being in an interfaith and multicultural relationship is a learning process of how to bring different backgrounds to one union and a united family.  No one likes to talk about how they messed up but yet that is what I’m pushing myself to share with you. These same mistakes I made early on in my relationship seem to be common for many other couples too.  Relationship mistakes suck because someone usually ends up feeling hurt, ignored, or angry. So I hope that by sharing some of my mistakes with you, you can avoid making those same mistakes.

 

Here’s what I did wrong early on in my interfaith and multicultural relationship:

 

• I would get extremely frustrated with my partner every time we would get stuck having the same conversation over and over.  This would happen if I was talking to my partner and he didn’t see my point of view or why a certain issue was big deal for me.  We would end up having the same frustrating conversation again and again. At the time, we failed to recognize the negative pattern of communication that was happening.  We both have very different communication styles and did not know how use that to our advantage. By looking at our pattern of communication and taking it apart, we are able to stop that negative cycle of communication and actually move forward to understanding each other’s viewpoints.

 

• I would get angry at my partner for practices or beliefs that I disagreed with related to his religion.  Many of the things that made me angry were things that he didn’t even believe in, understand, or care about but yet I found myself expecting him to explain it or change it.  Many of these had historical and cultural implications. But either way I was being hard on him for something out of his control and his understanding. Learning more about his personal beliefs, family practices, religion, and various religious and progressive communities helped me to look at the bigger picture, understand better, and stop sabotaging a great relationship.  

 

• I would get upset and stressed out when we couldn’t immediately agree on how we would raise kids together.  Despite my professional therapy training, when it came to my own relationship I seemed to forget that having those conversations are a process and that I shouldn’t have expected an immediate solution.  I struggled to be in an in between space of not having some kind of specific answer that I was looking for. It changed when we acknowledged that it’s a process and reached out for help from a professional who had experience working with couples like us.  We were able to then have a guide and focus to help us with some of the challenges in those conversations.

 

Can you relate?  What kind of mistakes have you made?  Which mistakes are you hoping to avoid?  It’s not easy talking about mistakes or being vulnerable in a way that can help us avoid them moving forward.  But it can definitely make a difference if you are stuck in a hard place in your relationship. Acknowledge mistakes that have happened, ask forgiveness, be easy on yourself as a relationship is a learning process, and be conscious to prevent it from happening again.

 

To moving forward,

Rorri

 

P.S. Are you uncertain or worried about the future of your relationship?  Is it “on the fence” or has it been a rocky few months? Are you being pressure to convert or raise kids a certain way? Don’t keep feeling like that when you don’t have to.  I would love for you to participate in my online workshop at the end of the month where I will show you how to transform your relationship from rocky and unsure to happy and long lasting (even though you and your partner may have different religions, cultures, or backgrounds). If you want to join the workshop, send an email to Rorri@upowerchange.com with the word WORKSHOP to this email and I’ll be in touch.

P.P.S Looking for relationship or family advice? Sign up to get our newsletter and join the U Power Change Facebook community  Get tips and advice right to your inbox and join a supportive community of interfaith and multicultural couples and families that can relate to what you are going through.  

  

 

Over the weekend, I co-hosted the first Interfaith Counselors Live: Share and Support, a live facebook event, where we discussed an interfaith couple’s dilemma and different approaches and ideas for resolving it.  One of the themes that came up was life transitions and how common this is for people to sometimes to get stuck on issues as a couple during these times.

 

Big changes can be stressful on us.  Whether you are starting a new job, moving in with your partner, getting married, having a child, or any other transition it can impact how you feel.  It can be exciting and happy but also cause feelings of uncertainty and stress. And what often happens when we feel stress is that it can not only impact us but also impact those who are closest to us like our partner.  Sometime we may not even realize we are doing it in the moment but we can take it out on our partner. That can often end in tension or conflict that then just builds on our stress.

 

So what can we do to make transition times easier when we have major life changes:

 

1. 1. Be easy on yourself.  Adjust your expectations.  Don’t expect for everything that you usually get done to get done and be the same way it always is.  Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or your relationship for things to be a certain way. Remind yourself that things will go back to normal but now is not the time to expect that to happen.

 

1. 1. Communicate with your partner.  Talk about how you are approaching this big transition and what you can both do to support each other.  Decide ahead of time how to de-escalate and deal with challenges that may come up when you are under extra stress. This helps to prevent any big blow ups at each other.

 

1. 1. Live in the moment.  Remember that transitions are only temporary and it will pass.  Lean into the positive aspects of the transition. You only get this moment once so make the most of it.

 

1. 1. Take a step back.  Look at the bigger picture.  Think about what initiated this change and what the bigger hope or goal was from it.

 

1. Practice self-care.  Do your best to take good care of yourself during this time.  Exercise even something simple like taking a short walk after a busy day.  Eating right to make sure that you are keeping yourself healthy during this time. Also, doing your best to get enough sleep.

 

So if you are going through a big transition, keep in mind that it is only temporary but that it can be very helpful to have support.  Be open with your partner, family, and friends that you can use a extra support during this time. If you notice that your transition time is lasting longer than you hoped or that it feels very overwhelming, you can also reach out for help from a counselor.  Don’t let yourself stay in a difficult space for too long when you don’t need to. There are so many emotions that big changes in your life can bring up. Communicating with your partner is key in helping your relationship thrive during those times.

 

What about your relationship?  What can you do to prepare your relationship now to handle life changes in the future?

 

To thriving in transitions,

Rorri

 

P.S. Are you looking for ways to strengthen your relationship, move forward, or get unstuck? Here are a few ways I can help:

 

1. Join my FREE U Power Change Community on Facebook to get relationship tips, advice, and meet other people in a similar situation.
2. Join my revamped Mix Match and Blend Relationship and Family program to help couples at a crossroad in their relationship move forward.  Strengthen your relationship with your partner and your family as you navigate your way to a happy life and long lasting relationship.   
3. Schedule your free relationship consultation with me.  We’ll meet for a short video call where you can tell me about your relationship struggles and challenges and I can provide you with my perspective, recommendations, and how I might be able to help.  Send an email to Rorri@upowerchange.com with the word CONSULT in the subject and I’ll contact you to set it up.

Are you at a crossroad in your relationship?  Are you unsure if it is worth your time and energy trying to work on it?  Do love your partner but a lot of issues keep coming up? Do you have times when things are great but also times when it feels really hard?  If you said yes to any of these questions, know that you are not alone.

 

It’s actually not that uncommon to be in a relationship that could use improvement.  Many of us need to work on communicating with each other better, solving problems in a more effective way, and being more aware of the role our upbringing plays in our thoughts and actions.  After all, aren’t we all really a work in progress trying to be better versions of ourselves?

 

Staying in a place in your relationship where it feels like an emotional roller coaster isn’t healthy and won’t make you happy.  So how do you know if there is potential to go from where your relationship is now to be stronger, happier, and healthier?

 

Here are the 4 signs that your relationship has the potential to grow and be better than you can imagine:

 

1. You are BOTH committed to working on improving it.  I can’t stress the both enough.  It can’t be that just one of you wants it to work.  You both have to actually want it to get better. You both have to be willing to make changes together to improve it. It’s ok if you aren’t sure how to get there but you need to be open to trying.
2. You need to both be willing to do something different than you have tried before. Obviously, what you have already tried hasn’t worked yet so don’t expect to keep doing the same thing and get different results.  You won’t. You need to build new skills to improve what isn’t working. You need new techniques and strategies to break out of old patterns.  This may look like relationship coaching or counseling, a relationship program or class, doing a relationship workbook together, or anything else that will help you learn new ways of handling your challenges.
3. You know that there is a possibility of a future for you together. You love each other. You have fun together. You enjoy spending time together.  You miss each other when you are apart. You can imagine it getting better.
4. The relationship means enough to you that if for some reason it didn’t work out, you would at least want to know that you had given it your all.  You would be disappointed knowing that it ended without you trying your hardest.  You can appreciate learning more about yourself and how to be the best person and partner that you can be because you know that no matter what happens you can carry that with you.

 

Does your relationship have potential but are you unclear of what to do next to fix it?  Are you ready for it to be happier, healthier, and stronger but unsure of how to get there?

 

Here are some ways that I can help you:

 

1. Join my FREE U Power Change Community on Facebook to get relationship tips, advice, and meet other people in a similar situation.
2. Join my revamped Mix Match and Blend Online Relationship and Family Program to help couples at a crossroad in their relationship move forward.  Strengthen your relationship with your partner and your family as you navigate your way to a happy life and long lasting relationship.
3. Schedule your free relationship consultation with me.  We’ll meet for a short video call where you can tell me about your relationship struggles and challenges and I can provide you with my perspective, recommendations, and how I might be able to help.  Send an email to Rorri@upowerchange.com with the word CONSULT in the subject and I’ll contact you to set it up.

 

Interested in getting more relationship and family advice and tips like this right to your inbox? Sign up for the U Power Change mailing list        

 

Rorri Geller-Mohamed, LCSW is a family therapist, relationship coach, and founder of U Power Change.  She helps couples and families strengthen their relationships, prevent and heal strained family relationships, and guides them to a happy and harmonious life.  She is passionate providing multiracial, multicultural, and multifaith couples and families with opportunities and resources to meet their unique challenges. Outside of her professional training, her unique perspective comes from being in an interfaith relationship (she is Jewish and her husband is Muslim), raising her 2 young children in a multicultural and multifaith environment, and her upbringing in a multiracial family with a sibling that is Latino.

Our Navigate To Happy Challenge just finished and one common theme that came up is how helpful it can be to have a new fresh way to look at a situation that you are experiencing.  Sometimes when we are frustrated or angry at our partner it’s hard for us to really look at that situation from a different perspective. But by having a new way of looking at it, it opens up our opportunity to try new ideas and solutions to fix it.

A client I worked with struggled to get her father to be accept her relationship with her partner.  One of my suggestions to her was to take a step back and really check in about where his resistance was coming from.  I wanted her to find out what he feared would happen if he welcomed her partner into the family. What was he really worried about?  In his mind, what would her life look like if she and her partner stayed together? Also, what would his life look like? How might his life change?  By looking at the problem differently, you are then able to work on coming up with solutions to those concerns and take steps to improve the situation.

As a therapist and relationship coach, a lot of the work that I do with clients is helping them to reframe the problem they are experiencing in a new way.  Some of the ways that we do this is by taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, getting a better understanding of the problem from the other person’s perspective, and looking to see if it’s part of a negative pattern that impacts you.

So the next time you are going through a rough time or feeling completely stressed or frustrated, reframe the problem you are experiencing and watch a whole new world of solutions and ideas appear to show you how to move forward.

Want to get more FREE advice and tips right to your inbox? Sign Up Here

 

As interfaith and multicultural couples and families we have an advantage in navigating a diverse world.  We get this amazing opportunity to participate in our partner’s world which is often very different than our own.  We may learn new foods, new faith, new way of interacting with family, maybe even a new language and many other new ideas and cultural customs to us.  We also get to teach about our own cultural customs and family experiences. We often build new relationships with our partner’s family and learn new ways to communicate.  

 

We go through an experience with our partner of navigating how to share a life together when you come from different backgrounds.  We may make compromises and life changes. And we figure all of this out for love. We gain so much knowledge just as human beings and very often become better people.  Often our world view expands and we learn how to see similarities in places where previously we just saw differences. We build upon our ability to communicate and problem solve as challenges come up and we do this all because we love our partner.  

 

Imagine if the world could learn what you know about communication, humanity, empathy, and understanding.  Think about how you may see things differently than other people that haven’t had those same experiences or the opportunity to spend time with people that are different than you.  This is the gift of multicultural and interfaith love.

 

I encourage you to take your gift and share it with your family and your community.  The world needs us!

 

Here’s one way to share your gift this week:  Join me in participating in the Families Belong Together event to end detention and separation of children and families. Sign up to participate at the event near you.

 

Looking to take your gift further: Invite everyone you know to attend with you to the Families Belong Together event. Contact any faith based institutions, community organizations, and any other groups you may be part of or can reach out to and invite them to go with you. Want some help on how to reach out or organize folks, connect with me through email or the new U Power Change facebook group and I’ll be happy to help.  

 

To sharing our gift,

Rorri

 

P.S.  Are you interested in a getaway retreat with your partner where you could take a break from the day to day grind, navigate challenges in a fun setting, strengthen your relationship, and meet other interfaith and multicultural couples? If yes, send an email to rorri@upowerchange.com with the word RETREAT and I’ll be in touch.  

 

P.P.S. Are you and your partner feeling challenged navigating your interfaith and/or multicultural relationship and/or family?  Would you like to have it all figured out and have solutions (like yesterday) so you can spend more time having fun and enjoying your partner and family?  If yes, send an email with the word SOLUTIONS to rorri@upowerchange.com, and we can set up a strategy consultation call asap.

 

As a family therapist using activism as a tool has always been integral in my work.   Whether I’m working with individuals, couples, or families activism is one of the go to tools that we work on when talking about fighting against injustice.  Some of the situations where it comes up include wanting to teach and share the values of social justice with our children, protect our partner from an unjust situation, or defend some aspect of our unique family identity.  I thought it was especially a necessity to talk about now because of the children and families that need our support today.

 

 

Each time I open up facebook I see a more horrifying news story of how the government is abducting babies, children, and teenagers from their parents due to the Trump administration’s new policies at the US-Mexico border.  It is inhumane, traumatic, and disgusting to separate children from their parents at the border. It doesn’t take a therapist to know the extreme trauma this causes for children and their families. I’m sure many of you are going through a similar process of feeling horrified, helpless, and angry as you hear the news. So what’s the next step? How do we go from helpless and horrified into action?

 

Even as I write this there is discussion about an executive order being signed to hopefully end this torture. But even then what is the reunification plan?  What will be done about the trauma that has already been caused? What will be done to make sure people are treated humanely?

 

Here’s a good article that has some easy action steps you can take:  Here’s What You Can Do to Help Immigrant Children Being Separated From Their Parents at the Border-Donate, march, and more tips from the local ACLU.  

 

For many of us, we just can’t understand how anyone could think that this makes any sense but then we also are aware that racism and ignorance exists.  I’m curious as to how you handle it if someone in your family, partner’s family, or life thinks this or another injustice can be justified. Have you ever posted something and they make a comment that just makes you want to vomit? What do you do then? Do you and your partner deal with it together? Do you ignore it or deal with it as a family?  

 

One way of dealing with that is involving yourself in activism for the immediate crisis and in addition creating a plan to open up dialogue and educate the person. As interfaith, multicultural, and multiracial couples and families one of  the most important lessons that we can learn together and teach our children is how to be part of creating change.  Activism is a key step in that process.

To fighting against injustice,

Rorri

Lately I’ve been hearing a lot about parents who want their children’s partner to convert before they get married when they are dating someone of a different faith.  This can often cause a lot of stress and worry for everyone involved. Most of us don’t want to disappoint or let down our parent and fear that by not having our partner convert we will be doing this. Some people also wonder if they should just go through the motions just to appease their family even if it’s something that they don’t believe. No one wants to hurt the people they’re close to.

 

In order to have productive and effective conversations we need to understand where everyone is coming from and these questions will help you to do that.  Here’s some ways to start conversations to help you get past those difficult points:

 

1. What would be different if the person converted? What would actually change? This helps for you to understand the meaning behind it and what converting would actually mean to your parents.
   
2. What experiences have they had or heard of with interfaith couples? There is often fear from stories of people that had unsuccessful interfaith relationships and they worry that you will have that same experience.
3. What are their fears if your partner doesn’t convert?  What do they worry will happen? For many parents, they worry about future grandchildren and their faith.  Understanding what the fears are allows you to be able to have a more open conversation to placate some of those fears.
4. What will the extended family and community response be to your interfaith relationship? What will they say and do?

 

These are just a few of the questions to start with when you’re having these conversations.  This prevents you from making assumptions and instead finding out what’s really going on in their mind.  This makes it easier to come up with a way to resolve their concerns and worries. As always remember that this is a process and that change does not happen overnight.

 

To asking questions,

Rorri

 

P.S. Are you dating or engaged to someone that is from a different faith or culture than your own? If so, are you ready to strengthen your relationship, know how to navigate family challenges better, and get clarity on how to raise future kids together?  Become a Mix Match and Blend Member and get access to the toolkit and community.  

One of the things that often hurts the most is when your parents or family cause you emotional pain.  There is an expectation and desire that they should be a supportive and caring force in your life. So when this doesn’t happen it can be extremely upsetting, hurtful, and painful.  This is especially true for interfaith, multicultural, and multiracial couples when a parent or family member expresses prejudice or racism towards your partner or your child. In many cases the person often doesn’t even recognize, take responsibility for, or acknowledge the harm they are causing which can add even more hurt to the situation.  

 

Often when an individual or couple reaches out to me they describe what’s going on in one or more of these ways in response to a parent or family member saying or doing prejudice or racist things:

• they have tried multiple times to address it but have seen no change
• they have been ignoring it for as long as they could and just can’t deal with it any longer
• they feel emotionally exhausted from dealing with it
• they have already decided to cut ties with the person (But even in those circumstances it can still end up being extremely stressful and emotionally draining)

 

Basically, it causes us to feel hopeless and hurt. I’m sharing this with you because I want you to know that it doesn’t have to be that way.  

 

Providing a process and creating circumstances that allow families to heal and grow their relationships is a big part of the work that I do.  Prejudice is learned behavior and therefore people can unlearn it and learn new and better ways “of being” to replace it. There are many different strategies and techniques that can be used in situations like this but the big challenge is often knowing where to start to intervene.  

 

I have a story to share with you with you to show you examples of where to start.  (Identifying information is changed to maintain the confidentiallity of the family.)

I worked with a couple where the mom was African-American and the dad was Puerto Rican and Italian. They have a multiracial daughter that is 3 years old. An issue arose when the daughter told her mother that she had a conversation with her white paternal grandmother saying her legs were too dark. The parents were very upset and the grandmother claimed that she didn’t say that.  It was also revealed that the parents had addressed comments the grandmother made before that they found racially offensive. Of course like every family there’s a whole bunch more background information that goes into the story but overall everybody ended up feeling hurt. The mother wanted to cut ties with the grandmother, the father felt pulled between his wife and his mother, the grandmother didn’t understand what the problem was or why the couple was making it a big deal, and the granddaughter who loves spending time with her grandmother was confused by the whole situation.  

 

Here are 4 strategies that can be a starting place to open up opportunities for learning, conversation, understanding and change with the grandmother: 

1. Talking about her experience.  She married someone outside of her own culture and background which was even less common back then.  Getting her to talk about what that experience was like for her and what some of the pain points that she experienced from her partner’s family as well as what her partner experienced from her family.  Focusing on the emotion of her experience opens the opportunity to relate it to the emotions experienced by her son and daughter-in-law.
   
2. Using her own belief system.  She identifies as Catholic and this is something that is important to her.  Like most religions, caring for others and treating people kindly are part of what it is often preached.  By helping her to see how her actions and words are not aligned with her beliefs can help her to make those changes. 
3. Pointing out how her own words don’t align with her beliefs.  She would often make the statement “I don’t see color” when talking about issues of race.  By digging deeper into what this means for her (since everyone sees color), it’s likely she is trying to say that she is accepting of everyone no matter what skin color they have.  This is an opportunity to teach alternative language she can use and the positive impact of talking about race and skin color can have on her family. 
4. Connecting her to other people where she can learn.  It’s likely she doesn’t have a lot of exposure to people that are different than her.  Outside of her daughter-in-law’s family she doesn’t know a lot of black people or have black friends. It’s also likely that she doesn’t know a lot of white people that are actively working to dismantle white supremacy or other grandparents with multiracial grandchildren.  Helping her to meet new people, connect, and gain opportunities to learn from new experiences will help her to grow and learn.

 

These are just a few examples of strategies that can help if you are having a similar experience.  So if you find yourself feeling angry, frustrated, or hurt by your parents, in-laws, or another family member remember that you don’t have to feel like change is hopeless.  There are always opportunities to encourage change. That same grandparent can become one of the strongest advocates for dismantling racism and calling out prejudice because her deep love for her family has motivated her to have a new way “of being”.  I promise there is always hope.

To finding hope,

Rorri

P.S. Would you like some help with a interfaith, multicultural, or multiracial relationship or family issue or situation?  I would love to talk with you to try to help you sort it out and give you some advice. Send me an email at rorri@upowerchange.com with the word CHAT and we can schedule your free consultation call.

P.P.S. Interested in being part of a community with other interfaith, multicultural, and multiracial couples?  Join my new facebook group here.