For white parents in multiracial families, there is often at least one white family member that doesn’t understand issues related to race and racism.  They may say things like they are “colorblind”, say that you are too sensitive on issues related to race, make comments that are hurtful or do something else that shows they don’t understand the impact it has on you and your family.  These events are often really triggering, upsetting, and stressful. This is often compounded with the family dynamic and relationship that we already have with this person.

 

Sometimes we may choose to address it directly but no matter what we say they don’t seem to get it.  Other times we may feel conflicted and consider ignoring it and writing it off as they are old and it was a different generation and time when they grew up.  In some cases, we may choose to reduce the time we spend with them or cut off ties completely. Every situation is different but navigating family relationships around issues of race can be very challenging and many white people feel alone and confused in this process.

 

Here are some questions to think about when you are navigating this topic:

• What relationships do you have in your life that have changed due to issues of race and racism?  
• What emotions has it sparked in you?  
• How are you dealing with it?  
• How has it impacted your family?  
• What relationships do you still hope to see change in?  
• How could improving these dynamics impact your children?

Often what we really want to happen is for the person to realize what they are doing is wrong, make amends, and act differently going forward.  

 

Here are a few things that are needed for a person to change their behavior:

 

1. Understand the impact of their negative behavior: This means they need to be able to identify how their behaviors are hurtful.  Often it can be helpful to point out how these behavior conflict with who they actually are as a kind and caring person.  Explaining how what they are saying or doing is conflicting with their own value system. It’s also often helpful to provide them with a non-judgemental environment to process it.  They also need to understand systemic racism and the history of white supremacy in this country. You don’t have to feel like you have to be able to explain it all but be prepared to provide resources for them.  They need to understand where and why they learned those behaviors and how come other white people around them aren’t pointing it out.

 

2. Learn what to do with their emotions:  Becoming aware of a conflict in your value system can lead to many mixed emotions. There could be guilt, confusion, insecurity, worry, and others. You don’t have to take on all of their emotional process because that can be draining but direct them to spaces to process.  This can include a local SURJ group, a therapist (one that has experience in this, Therapy Den is a place to start to look), or a local anti-racist organizing group (for example in Long Island, NY there is ERASE Racism and they have a book club for people to learn).

 

3. Talk about the relationship:  Remind them of the significance they play in your life.  Explore what your hope is for the relationship and what you need for it to continue in a positive way.  Explain what you imagine and hope for with their relationship with your children and family. Describe how meaningful it could be for your children.

 

4. Allow them the opportunity to continually improve:  Remember that as they are doing this work they may unintentionally make mistakes.  It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt or they aren’t trying to change. You have the power to help them recognize the harm, help them make amends, and grow from it.

 

Navigating relationships with family isn’t easy especially when issues of race and racism come up.  Family dynamics can be complicated and sometimes working to change the family dynamic can greatly improve the relationship.  But there is a lot of power in family relationships which give us the opportunity to make a big impact with white people in our families.  Imagine what could change in the world around us if each of us as white parents worked to change even just one of these relationship. Let’s get to work.

If you would like to receive our weekly emails right to your inbox on topics like these, sign up here: U Power Change Newsletter

If you would like to be part of a community of parents raising children in a multiracial family and know other parents having similar experiences, join our facebook community here: U Power Change Community  

I’m working on creating a program for white parents raising multiracial children and/or children of color and would love to get some insight and feedback from parents.  If you are could spare 10-20 minutes to share your insight and feedback with me, please email Rorri@upowerchange.com with the word FEEDBACK in the subject.   

What do you learn from being part of a multiracial family?

 

Becoming a multiracial family felt like a crash course in race and racism for me.  This was the first time that I became aware of my whiteness. My brother who is brown, of Mexican heritage, and grew up in Brooklyn was adopted into my white family when we were both teenagers.  We lived in a suburban mostly white community. By this I mean most of my friends were white, most of the people at my school were white, and most of the people in all of the spaces that I frequented were white.  Since my multiracial family was formed in an extremely nontraditional way I was not prepared for what to expect. My brother and his experiences opened my eyes to injustices that I didn’t know existed because of my white privilege.  We had experiences as a multiracial family that would have never happened when we were a white family. I learned a lot about race and racism in those first few years of us being a multiracial family.

Here are 5 lessons that I learned from becoming a multiracial family:        

 

1. Inclusive and diverse spaces are necessary for all of us to thrive.
2. White people need to learn how to talk about race and racism.
3. It is my responsibility to get more white people involved and organizing to dismantle racism and end white supremacy.
4. The best way I can protect and stand up for my family of color is through advocacy, leadership, and activism to promote systemic and institutional change.  
5. Racism is often the root cause of many mental health issues including depression, anxiety, and trauma.  

For those of us who are white, being part of a multiracial family often uncovers aspects of our white privilege and sheds light on our white fragility that we may not even have known were there.  It’s important that we acknowledge this, lean into it, learn from it, and then work really hard to change the way things are.  Are you ready to create change?



If you want to learn more about how you can support your multiracial family and create an environment where your children and family can thrive and shine, join me for my online workshop.  Have questions or want more information on this topic, reach out to rorri@upowerchange.com

One of the most common concerns that I hear as a therapist from parents of multiracial families is how do I raise my child with pride for their culture.  The interesting thing about this question is that it’s not only parents of multiracial families that have this question although many of us experience it in a very unique way.  Let’s unpack the steps that are needed to raise your child with pride from their culture:

 

Step 1: Identify what are the cultures that are part of your child’s life.
You need to know what are the many cultures that your child will be raised in.  This will include your cultures as parents, no matter if your child is adopted, biological, or part of a blended family.  What is your culture? What is your partner’s culture? It can be as many or as few as you identify with. For example, I’m Jewish American and my husband is Guyanese and Muslim.  Our children will be raised in both of these cultures. They will also form their own identity of what it means to have multiple cultures. If your child is adopted, you will also want to prioritize their culture of origin in your family. In my situation, my brother is adopted and his Mexican culture was also part of my upbringing as well as will be for my children.  In a blended family, you want to also identify what are the additional cultures that your child will be raised in now that the family is blended. You want to be able to name the many cultural identities that you want to bring pride to your children.

Step 2: Be cognizant of how your child may be perceived related to the culture.  
This is where it’s important for you to know how people will see your child related to race and ethnicity.  Often their may be a dissonance between some of the cultures they relate to and the way others may perceive their being part of that culture.  Having this awareness allows you to have open conversations that can help to build their pride and make sense of confusion. For example, growing up when my family would attend a Jewish synagogue that was an entirely white community what is the experience that my brother who is brown would have attending with our white family.  Similarly what conversations would be necessary to have with my sister and I who are white when attending with our brother who is brown. An awareness is necessary of what that experience would mean for him as well as being able to challenge any racism in that space. This awareness helps us to advocate to create inclusive spaces which support feelings of pride in culture and community.  

 

Step 3:  Be knowledgeable on all of the cultures of your child.

Be aware of what you know and what you need to learn.  In families formed through adoptions, you need to make sure you are educated around the culture of origin of your child.  In families where partners come from different cultures, education will also likely be helpful to become familiar with your partner’s culture.  It’s helpful for children to see that unity in a family.

 

Step 4: Identify who in your life is familiar with the cultures that you are less familiar with.  

How often do you spend time with extended family that can teach about their culture?  Do you participate in activities with friends from that culture? Who else in your life can share that culture with your family?  This sometimes means that we have to expand our circle or have specific conversations with family.

 

Step 5: Evaluate how are your child’s cultures represented in school, your faith based institution (if you are connected to one), after-school activities, etc.  How are those topics discussed in those spaces?  Can your child share their pride for their cultures comfortably in those spaces? Are multicultural identities celebrated in those spaces?  You want to have a really clear idea of what is needed for your child to show up as their full self in those spaces. Can they do that now or would they benefit from changes being made?

 

Often your child’s knowledge about their culture is only one aspect that can help them build their pride.  The other aspect is them being able to show up and fully be themselves where ever they are. This often means that as parents we have to advocate for changes in spaces.  Let’s step up together as parents of multiracial families and create a community and environment where our children can thrive and shine.

If you are ready to learn more about how to effectively advocate for changes in your child’s school and other community spaces or are looking for more ways to help them feel proud of who they are, don’t miss my upcoming online workshop.  Register Here!

Parenting is hard for everyone but for parents of multiracial families there is an additional layer of unique challenges that we have to navigate and figure out.  Children start to recognize characteristics related to their identity and that of others around age 3 or 4. How do we as parents of multiracial families learn how to approach these unique issues throughout our children’s life?  Who can we ask when we have questions?

 

Most parenting blogs and books that we come across don’t address the unique concerns that parents of multiracial families have such as:

• How to have a conversation about race and racism with your child’s school?  
• How to deal with family members or friends that say microaggressions or have different political views?
• How to navigate conversations around discipline with your partner when their are so many factors including culture that come into play?
• How to decide what neighborhood to move to that will be safe and welcoming?

 

Here is what we as parents need from parenting blogs, books, and resources to help and support us and our multiracial families:

 

1. How to support the healthy development of your child’s self-identity and self-worth.  Learning what we can do to support this especially if you are a white parent and you are raising a child of color in this society.  How do we teach these concepts to our children when it’s not what they are hearing or seeing in our mainstream culture. We need to know what techniques can we do at home as well as when we are out in the world.  We want to know what can we do at each age that is developmentally appropriate. We also aren’t sure how much is too much. How do we know how much attention to put on identity?

 

1. How to have challenging conversations with your child, partner, family, and friends.  We often struggle with how to bring up certain topics and worry about the best way to talk about issues.  We want to make sure that we have the knowledge and insight that we need to be prepared for these conversations.  We want to know which strategies work best for these conversations whether you are educating a family member about race or having a parenting disagreement with your partner.  

 

1. How to advocate for your child.  We know we have and will come across situations that are messed up and harmful for our child no matter how much we try to prevent it.  We want to know what the best techniques are to advocate in these situations. What will be most successful in changing the situation or preventing it from happening again.  How can we use our power as a parent to advocate for our child.

What are your go-to people, blogs, books and/or resources for parenting advice?  Have you checked out our U Power Change community for mom’s to talk about what it’s like to be a parent in a multiracial family?  Come join us as here as we offer each other support and a non-judgemental space to ask for advice, learn about resources, and celebrate our families.

 

U Power Change will have some really great and helpful tips, strategies, resources, and connections for you and your family to make your wish come true.  I’m here to support, guide, and help you overcome the family conflicts, navigate the challenges, advocate for changes, and remind you to take care of yourself in the process.

What are your hopes and dreams for you family? What challenges or conflicts has your family experienced?  What do you worry about? How welcoming, supportive, and affirming is your community, religious institution, children’s school, family & friends, neighborhood, and/or workplace of your family? And guess what, we can’t wait to help with it all.  

 

At U Power Change this year we are going to be 100% focused on supporting and strengthening families.  This is especially true for our multi-identity families whose needs, wishes, and hopes are often not a priority in the work of many organizations.  It doesn’t matter if your multi-identity family was formed by birth, adoption, marriage, another way, or any or all of these ways; we are going to be working to support you.  We want you to have what you need for your family whether it’s interfaith/multifaith/no-faith, multicultural, multiracial, and/or another multi-identity background. Through these emails, our videos, following our facebook page, webinars, and resources you will get tips, strategies, knowledge, ideas, and support for your family.  

 

READY FOR OUR FIRST FREE RESOURCE OF THE YEAR? Here’s how you can be part of it.

 

I’m working on a FREE “how to” guide to help multi-identity family’s navigate common challenges.  Now is your chance to make sure that I include your challenges, conflicts, concerns, and worries.  Send an email to Rorri@upowerchange.com with the subject: Free Guide and let me know what are the top challenges, conflicts, concerns, and worries you are experiencing with your multi-identity family (I promise I will keep all replies anonymous but I will make sure that you have some answers to your situation).  

 

How do you get your copy as soon as it becomes available?  Sign up to our U Power Change Community mailing list and you will get it straight to your inbox as soon as it is available. 

That is how we decided it was time to add a special project to U Power Change:

As we shared before U Power Change is making some big improvements as we really dive in to focus on our values of love, inclusion, family, community, diversity, and social justice.  Our mission to work from a family lens and community context, so that we can create systemic change to build a loving and inclusive world is no small task. Though we know it is necessary especially with all of the violence and hate that we are witnessing.  

From the daily violence and hate that our adolescents are growing up around, to the ups and downs of being a teen, and our mission to support families we decided to create a special leadership and empowerment project to help and support adolescents and their parents and families.  

 

As the parents of our future generation of leaders we want to make sure they feel supported during this challenging age.  We know that when a teen is experiencing a behavioral, emotional, academic, or personal challenge it often can affect the whole family and create stress for the parents.  We also know that what happens in our community and society has an impact in our daily life.  This is why the U Power Change model of a family lens and community context is so successful for overcoming those social, emotional, behavioral, and academic challenges.  

 

So we invite you to be the first to get resources and hear the details about our Leadership and Empowerment Project.  If you are a parent of teens, work with teens, have teens in your life, or are just interested and would like to hear more about how to be involved in this special project we encourage you to sign up.

I need to share this parenting and advocacy moment with you and I wonder how many other people have had a similar situation.  As a parent (I’m a white mom with multiracial children), it is super important to me that my kids learn about cultural diversity, history, kindness, and making change in an unjust world.  I wrongly assumed that my children’s preschool (which we chose partially because of its cultural diversity of both students, staff, and admin and opportunity for bilingual education in Spanish) would know how teach Thanksgiving with historical accuracy and cultural sensitivity.  Nope. I was wrong.

 

The other day when I picked my son up from school, his teacher explained to me that they had split the class in half and for the Thanksgiving party they would be dressing up as “Pilgrims” and “Indians” so I should send him to school wearing black on Friday.  My stomach knotted up and my first thought was how do I respond effectively. I know that to some extent the teachers make the lessons and activities but that the school provides the curriculum. Plus, the teachers are the kindest, attentive, and most loving people so I know that this activity doesn’t line up with what they teach or how they treat others.  

 

I also feel conflicted as a white person explaining that this is racist to my son’s Latino teacher who has likely had first hand experience of racism.  So I respond in a very long run on explanation that it’s 2018 and that I want my children to learn the accurate history of thanksgiving in an age appropriate way that is respectful of indigenous people and that I’m concerned that this activity could be considered culturally offensive and appropriation.  (I used the word “could” even though I know it is for the purpose of the goal of softening the conversation to create a dialogue while keeping my goal in mind.) One of the hardest parts of this for me is that being a white person I’m still not always sure where my place is in having a conversation about racism with a person of color.  Other emotions that came up for me included feeling ungrateful since they do so much for my son and they care so much for him.

 

The situation was similar for the activity in my daughter’s 1 year old class.  They were to bring in white t-shirts that they would decorate with symbols from Thanksgiving but a picture of an “Indian” was brought up as one of the possible symbols.  I am also aware that some of the teachers may not have grown up in this country so besides it being a curriculum issue, it’s possible there may just be a lack of awareness.   

 

My next step was to approach administration but I wanted to gather resources first that I could bring to the school to help them discuss Thanksgiving respectfully, accurately, and age appropriately.  To my surprise in 2018, there were limited resources on the internet for actual activities for early childhood ages 1 through 3. Most resources started at age 4 and up.

 

Community is often one of the best places to get resources so this where I started.  I reached out to my Facebook communities including Read Your World; Teaching Literacy Skills with Diverse Books  and Are Those Your Kids? Navigating Multiracial Motherhood One Day At A Time to ask for recommendations.   

 

Here are some of the resources that I found helpful:  

 

Decolonizing Thanksgiving: A Toolkit for Combatting Racism in Schools

 

Native American Children’s LiteratureRecommended Reading List

 

Teaching Thanksgiving in a Socially Responsible Way

 

How To Talk To Kids About Thanksgiving

 

#IndigenousReads by Indigenous Writers: A Children’s Reading List

 

American Indians in Children’s Literature (AICL)

 

I approached the administration with these articles and resources.  They were appreciative and stated they would review and discuss the materials.  That’s the stage we are at right now. It’s a work in progress but I’m appreciative that they seem to recognize the importance of the issue and open to the dialogue.  Systemic change doesn’t happen overnight but planting the seeds are necessary.  Plus it is my responsibility to follow-up. 

 

Looking back I should have brought this up earlier.  At the beginning of the school year I should have asked how do you teach Thanksgiving?  I’m sharing this because it’s likely I’m not the only parent in this situation and because advocating for change is something that I often encourage of other parents and clients that I work with.  I always find it helpful when others share their journey and so I hope that you find the sharing of my experience helpful. I think it’s important to acknowledge that yes it can be messy but that if we believe in building a loving and inclusive world then we need our actions to show that.

 

Are you interested in staying connected and receiving more resources that supports love and inclusion for families and communities?  Join us here

Rorri Geller-Mohamed, LCSW is a family therapist, parent coach, love & inclusion coach, consultant, and founder of U Power Change.  She started U Power Change to bridge the gap and bring the necessary family lens and community context needed to help people successfully work through personal, relationship, and family challenges.  She specializes in working with interfaith, multicultural, and multiracial couples and families; adolescents and their families dealing with social, emotional, behavioral, and academic challenges, and non-traditional, modern, liberal and/or progressive individuals dealing with relationship, parenting, and family challenges.  You can reach her at Rorri@upowerchange.com.

 

As the Thanksgiving time and the holidays are approaching many of us may be having mixed emotions of excitement and joy as well as worry and anxiousness.  Even if you don’t celebrate a holiday in December, we often spend more time with our family and partner’s family because of being off of work. For those of us whose values may not align with the people we will be spending time with it is often a cause for anxiety.  Plus if you put kids in the mix we are also trying to figure out the best way to protect them and teach them the values we believe in.

 

For those of us who are in multicultural and interfaith relationships, identify as modern, liberal, and/or progressive, or are raising children in a multiracial, multicultural, or multifaith family and have people in our life that are conservative, close minded, or difficult to deal with this can really bring on a lot of stress.  Those of us breaking from traditions, starting new traditions and navigating a new path during this time for ourselves, relationship and family may also have a lot of thoughts swirling around in our minds. The end of the year can also be a time that brings up emotions like grief, loss, and sadness.

 

At U Power Change, we are all about helping you feel better and navigating the best path to having happiness and harmony.  That means that we use our family lens and community context framework to help you figure out the tough conversations, work through the challenges, and focus on what matters most to you.  Our goal is that you feel supported, empowered, and excited to take on the end of the year. We want you to have the opportunity to be happy, become more connected with your partner, and/or feel closer and more understood in your family.  

 

How can we support you?  We invite you to participate in our webinar next week to learn some ways to deal with mixed emotions, lower your anxiety, and relieve your stress during this time.  At the end of the webinar, you will be able to breathe a sigh of relief, feel prepared for any family gathering, and excited and encouraged to have a great end of the year.      

 

Interested in learning more? Check out this video here

 

Ready to register for the webinar?  Sign up here

 

Hope you will join us!

 

Rorri Geller-Mohamed, LCSW is a family therapist, love & inclusion coach, consultant, and founder of U Power Change.  She started U Power Change to bridge the gap and bring  the necessary family lens and community context needed to help people successfully work through personal, relationship, and family challenges.  She specializes in working with interfaith, multicultural, and multiracial couples and families; adolescent and parenting challenges, and non-traditional, modern, liberal and/or progressive individuals dealing with relationship, parenting, and family challenges.  You can reach her at Rorri@upowerchange.com.

P.S. Chat directly with Rorri: If you are going through a challenging time with a personal, relationship, or family issue please remember you don’t have to go through it alone.  Often we think we are the only ones dealing with that issue, we’ve tried everything and nothing seems to help, we avoid it because it causes conflict, or feel that must just be that way it is.  At U Power Change, we believe in transformation and have seen the impact our work has in improving the lives of individuals, couples, and families. You don’t have stay in a negative space. If you are ready to make things easier, experience a positive change, and/or improve your life, relationship, or family connection we would love to share how we can help.  It is amazing what a new perspective on a situation, having new ideas of how to approach it, and even just becoming aware of helpful resources can improve your life. If you would like to schedule a free 15-20 min brainstorming session video call with Rorri Geller-Mohamed, LCSW to get our perspective and ideas on a challenging situation and how we can help before THANKSGIVING send an email to Rorri@upowerchange.com with “Brainstorming Call” in the subject and your availability.    

How do we find hope when there are so many terrible things happening? How do we continue to work to build a loving and inclusive world?  How can these things be prevented?

 

These are definitely the questions that have been on my mind lately.  (So I included some resources at the end if it has been on your mind too).

 

As a family therapist here’s some of my quick thoughts using a family lens and community context:

 

Whenever we hear of the hateful shootings from the past 2 weeks, my first reaction is almost always why wasn’t this prevented and how can we prevent this in the future.  These things are preventable. People don’t just wake up one day and and commit murder. They have thoughts and behavior patterns that have often been going on for years that led to that moment.  How can we change systems so that this could have been prevented? We need to be intervening years earlier and not allowing people access to guns.

 

When we hear of the white teachers in Idaho that dressed like “Mexicans” and the president’s border wall for Halloween, consequences for these individual teachers is not enough.  We need to look at how this situation happened in the first place.  The hiring process, requirements for a teaching license and degree, curriculum, parent and community involvement, and anti-racism training all need to be examined at the school and district level.  What about the healing process for the children that are at the school and their families? That also needs to be addressed.

 

This is why it is so important to not only focus on an individual but also on the family, community, and world context.  We need to work with individual issues, family dynamics, and a systems approach if we want to see progress. Mental health counseling on its own is not enough.      

 

Looking for hope and inspiration?  Well here are some cool resources that you can check out and share as we work together to build a more loving and inclusive world:

 

A petition by California Educators Rising as anti-racist educators to condemn the behavior of the teachers at Middleton Heights Elementary School in Middleton, Idaho.

 

A Louder Than Ever: Vote Your Values video to encourage people to vote on Tuesday.

 

Sign up for Shaun King’s relaunch of the The North Star.  An abolitionist newspaper started by Frederick Douglass in 1847 “…to fight back against injustice, their stories had to not only be well told – with the color and dimension and nuance that was frequently missing elsewhere, they knew they needed a newspaper that represented the cause of liberation with urgency, clarity, heart, and soul.” -Shaun King

 

A new brochure  “I’m Muslim and I Might Not be Straight” to help “young Muslims feel supported in their sexuality, and help them feel supported in coming out, if they so choose to. The guide also explores the intersection of the Muslim faith and sexual orientation…” – Teen Vogue

 

So check out these resources, sign-up, and share. If you are in the U.S., create a plan and don’t let anything stop you from voting on Tuesday.  Now is the time…let’s create some change!!

 

Rorri Geller-Mohamed, LCSW is a family therapist, parent and relationship coach, speaker, and founder of U Power Change.  She uses a family lens and community context focus in all of her work. U Power Change works to strengthen families and overcome challenges while creating systemic change so that we can all live in a loving and inclusive multicultural, multifaith, and multiracial world.    

I want to first thank you for being part of the U Power Change community (you can stay updated on our resources and events here: email list) and let you know that I really appreciate your support.  I’m really excited to share with you the new and improved U Power Change that you will see revealed over the next few months.  I am committed and dedicated to refocusing and returning to why I initially started U Power Change and the impact that I hoped it would make in the world.

 

U Power Change values creating systemic change so that multicultural, multiracial, and interfaith/multifaith families, organizations, and communities can thrive while building an inclusive and loving world.  

 

In the past I’ve shared a lot about my interfaith marriage and raising multi-identity children but I haven’t shared much about my own multiracial, multicultural, and interfaith/multifaith upbringing and family life growing up.  Although it hasn’t always been easy for me to share in the past, growing up with that experience changed my life and impacted my worldview and in many ways was the catalyst for me creating U Power Change.

If you would like to hear more about my story, why U Power Change exists, and how U Power Change will be helping families and changing the world, you can join me on the U Power Change Facebook page on Thursday October 11, 2018 at 11am EST.  

 

To making a bigger impact,
Rorri